I call it the Arranged Marriage Syndrome!

There comes a time in every Indian Kid's life - well not every, but the very 'bichara' ones as I have heard who either:

01. End up selecting a partner whom the parents, the parents' parents, or the extended family or better still their kundlis don't approve of
 OR
02. Do not end up selecting any one for themselves (And poor parents have to do groom/bride hunting for them)

Whatever category you end up in the very exciting yet utterly dramatic and confusing Arranged Marriage Syndrome - aka - a parent's approved and constantly scrutinized speed dating platform :P , you undergo a supreme roller coaster.

Additional symptoms of it being the chacha, chachi's, mama, mami's, multiplied by let's say 'X' have to.. just have to ask THE question.."So when are you getting married?" ; or "The next is you!" and scaring the shit out of you. Not 'cause you are not ready to get married, but 'cause you don't know WHOM with? (That's like planning the very minute details of a vacation logistics not having decided the venue! CRAZY!!!)

I mean I ain't a cynical person for out rightly contradicting the concept of Arranged Marriages, as statistics prove that it works out longer than the already exhausted lovey-dovey ones and am a strong believer in the institution of marriage,  but this added pressure of the family extensions and the regularly buzzing matrimony sites is what that irks. 

To top it all- how is it that us being happy or not with someone be based on how our stars have taken the pain  of lining up in a particular direction and latitude/longitude concept just to match with the other ones alignment. 'Hey Stars-either you are jobless or I am the Princess from Frozen' :P.... I am not well equipped to understand this concept and hence would refrain on commenting on the logic of that, but this is some math that they should have taught us in high school! Why does my trigonometry and Permutations and Combinations don't work here? :-/ Should have been more simple right! :P

Then the part of exchanging photographs, bio data, blah blah... Parents never participated in making the C.V of your job that much that they do in getting your bio data right and presentable. As if it's a showcase platform to present who's output came out better? Sharma's or Mehta's? :P ...

Parents with the best interest at heart take as much precautions and vaccinations as I call it to be while leading us in the Arranged Marriage Syndrome...and yes they are not that bad.

Before Syndrome: It's like your checklist of hobbies and passion: Travelling, Reading, Cooking, Painting, partying, Trek trips, working...

After Syndrome: Chose any 4 only, rest the stars don't approve of ... Bazingaa!!! ;)

Symptom: The want to end up as happy and blissful post marriage and having a rocking life 'together' is the thing that actually creates panic attacks. The question Mark of if this want is not satisfied. (I mean I WANNA BE HAPPY.. LIKE FOREVER ... EVEN WITH A NEW FOUND FAMILY).. But what if? .. is what creates panic.

Cure: Just go with the flow and be prepared to adjust with a few Bazingaa's  ;)

P.S: The perk will be if in the process you actually end up crushing on one of the prospects :P 'The world just got a little better'

#randomness #DevilMind #Mid20's #SufferingtheArrangedMarriageSyndrome :D

For my Darling nephew Reyansh!! :) :)

Reyansh video

Happy Birthday My Darling little Sister!!

To,

The only person in the world who shares with me the memories of my childhood, parents, joy and sorrow and last but not the least- MY SHOES!! (yes she has the same foot size as me)  :P

I vaguely remember the day …

Or may be I am lying to just sound that I do ‘cause it gives a dramatic start to an otherwise melancholy write up  ;)

The day papa told me that I was supposed to accompany him to the hospital to see maa. I didn’t understand what was all that hype about and why are we visiting a ‘fancy word place’ to see maa ‘cause I did see her everyday at home. But he sure was so excited about it.

I was exactly 3 years, 9 months and 6 days old when ‘tunga’ was born. Though she hates it when I announce that name to the world, but WHO CARES!! As if the tiny tot newbie, without any teeth would be able to put up a fight against it. (btw did I tell you her pictures without her teeth are my favorite till date) ..

Well!! I was too young to have an opinion or any feelings but can say I didn’t hate her seeing in my arms.. or MAYBE!! ;)
Looking back now, we have traversed a long path.. we have loved, we have hated, but we have never just simply co-existed. With this little tot that was put I my arms that eventful day, has grown up all big from here cerelacs, to the grumpy fat doll she was, to the non-toothed adorable golu-molu, to the ever dancing that kid did annoy me to my nerves, she has grown to be my most favorite girl in the whole world, as beautiful as it gets.

We have grown past the phase of ‘you crying endlessly in school and me being pulled off my classroom to come ssshh you; to the girl now that I even look forward to share and advice. We have grown from just to now friends. I know I might not have been the best sister or even an ideal mentor.. I got out of the vicinity pretty early or even got held up in my studies and friends. All those years you graduated from that motu-chotu grumpy annoying buzz around my waist to a more ‘tolerable’ one around my shoulder (just the shoulder ‘cause I am still way taller :P )

Being the younger one, still you have taught me a lot more and even handled me in my rough times. (I remember the times me cribbing in front of maa to remind you that I AM THE ELDER ONE.. you were so mature darling!! )

Sibling rivalry, the bruises, the jealousy.. we were lucky enough to never let those words to seep into our wonderful bondage. Something , somewhere, always kept altering the balance and now there exist nobody that comes even close to you in my life. With you the last 20 years of a beautiful relationship in its utmost sense has been truly ‘beautiful’.

P.S: HAPPY BIRTHDAY my darling who turns 20 today (bye bye teens!! :P ) Love you tunga for you are the friend that I have the privilege to be blood related with. Have a rocking year ahead.

MUCH LOVE!!!

And so I became the maniac I was- AGAIN!!

And so I became the maniac i was- AGAIN!!!

There comes a point in life, where all the senseless drama exhausts you, the negativity drains the last drop of strength from your disdained soul and you are left with a thousand questions which seem to have no answer. The monstrous monotony of the routine pulls you down and you feel like running away--hiding in a secluded corner-- away from friends, away from office, away from the worries. You do not know what went wrong, you don't even know how to bring things back on track.In worse cases, you don't even know if there is anything wrong at all. You just feel alone, sad and helpless.....your life feels out of control and that frustrates you.
There are people around, who try to help you, but you are so obsessed about your own dilemmas that you tend to ignore them, or in worse cases even shut yourself away from them..you end up hurting the ones who are closest to you, only to regret that later.
Over the past few months, i have come to conclude that life is not easy- it is just not supposed to be that way.
That is how it is for everyone- every single human!
Every one has to face it all- sometimes loneliness, sometimes sadness, sometimes depression, sometimes failure..and then gradually happiness follows. No one can be exactly in same mood or phase throughout the life.
Somehow,how long one wishes to stay in that mode decides how well he will cope up with it.
Everyone has problems, your ability to deal with them decides your fate. It is okay to be low at times, it is okay to give yourself some privacy and to ponder about the mess around.It is okay to even curse and cry ..but then make sure to get over it completely, and then return stronger!
Never cry over the same problem twice...nor keep your eyes wet for so long that you fail to see the happy days coming.
A close friend once said -"cry as long as you want now,and then we will laugh about it later!" He made sense!
Another friend once said- "Remember there are people who are willing to go out of there way to just make you smile, see glitter in your eyes, they are still waiting for you outside. Don't make them wait for too long." He too made sense!
There are always some people who need you..not the sad or depressed you- but the fierce you! Don't underrate or ignore them!When you cant deal with things alone, then don't lock yourself in a room, where no one can come to bring you out.
Life is good! Despite worst situations, good people exist and they care for your well being... buck yourself up, and treat them well! They are the people God has sent as a link to the good days...they help you to look out for small packets of happiness and soon you will collect a bag full of them.
Trust people for your own good!
Every one has setbacks..its natural! Accept it!
If you run away from the situations..they will come running behind you! Stop! Decide how you are going to deal with them! Think! and then Act! once you decide to take control over your own life, things will automatically fall in place.
You are never alone...neither are you the only person having problems in life. Infact you are lucky to have the power to steer your life in any direction that you want! Be the driver or your life, and you will never be alone to travel on the road.

 Back in Action... like a live wire laid loose... and yes Psyched about it.. 

Not Calling it a comeback!!

Though I may appear to be dead, much to my amusement I am indeed still breathing…

If it seems like I've completely disconnected from blogging, that's because I more or less have. But, I have not stopped writing.
As it was indicative in previous posts, real life had hit me hard and precisely, derailing much of the previous, youthful free-time I once enjoyed (wasted). But I'm still writing. Not nearly as much as I would like, but words are being applied to blank pages and saved to hard drives.

Now more than ever, I struggle to demolish the figurative mental block that has been the bane of my sputtering non-existent writing. It seems my mind has decided that the best time to come up with new and exciting ideas is when I'm in the midst of a busy workday and then promptly decides that it has no business focusing or doing anything useful when I finally get a chance to sit down with a pen in hand.

Yet, at the same time, though the work that I do produce comes out at a pace similar to congealed honey, I find that I am much less disgusted by it than I have been with past efforts. Slow and steady wins the race I suppose. So for a change you ask? Well now that I have finally dealt with the rollercoaster that my personal life had been, I have resumed my fellowship.. Finally after promising myself that I will finish it ..months and months ago.. is still very much a project within its infancy, but now at least I have started to work towards it.

Don't hold me to any of this though because I've made countless similar promises before without delivering. Until next time... (whenever that may be) :P :P

The Girl at that Airport!!

Are relationships really that fragile… if yes, then why do people covet it so much?

Just because it is comparatively easy to turn your back, rather to face the situation.. people decide to let it all go…
Mirrors lie… and ask difficult questions! Will he still love me when I have wrinkles?
Tangled hopes on the longevity of relationships..
Am I only what I do or whom I love?
In loving someone did I end up losing who I actually was? Will he ever realize how wrong he did?
Have I missed the bus?
Why is moving on so hard?
Never ending questions with really no answers… and probably the answers that don’t even matter anymore…

We see only what we choose to see…

That moment in life when you reach a point and realize that nobody in the world understood you… your family, friends, ‘ex’-boyfriend..

Huh!! But then, who has ever really understood a woman’s broken heart!!
And who has ever known how long it will take to heal.. I was truly alone.. and…. It didn’t matter anymore!
Broken hearts can be mended! All it takes is a few nights of drunken revelry, many nights of tear stained pillows and haunting memories…
. The real solution to a broken heart is not always ‘another man’… rebound doesn’t always give the strength to what we call ‘a re-bounce back in life’.

A red dress and stilettos and a new hair cut.. and you feel like all your dreams can come true.. that everything is just as good it should have been…
Then you wake up the next morning and realize it’s just another regular day… the fantasy world’s longevity has expired and you face the bitter truth… AND.. you put your life on hold.. untill the next time you are ready to take out that red dress again from the closet.

To feel alive AGAIN!!
Seeking happiness and love and this time… definitely not in the ‘Wrong place’.

P.S: STUPID GIRL...

He believes in Soul mates!

He gets me, thinks i'm beautiful, funny and smart.

He's beautiful and charming. He makes me smile and my knees go weak.. I could listen to his voice for hours. He makes me feel alive and believe in soul mates. He makes me want to be a better person. Does this sound cliché enough yet?

My head over-ruled my heart. He told me he'd wait for me...come back for me. He told me good things come with patience. When I get done whatever it is I need to do, will he be at the other side faithfully waiting?
Probably not, but it's a beautiful thought.
I believe in Soul mates!

VOID......

Disclaimer:

Work of Fiction.. don't bug me people with raised eyebrows.....



A night spent in the realms of my balcony.. thinking about you..
Maybe i'm crazy for feeling this way, stumbling over my heart in the darkest of hours searching for your light. I'm standing here trying to work up the courage to say,I need you in the most beautiful way.
I know how I feel when you're next to me. When i look in your eyes, I'm lost with wonder.
I don't know what next to do..Do i tell you to leave it all behind,make promises I dream to hear,dig deep in my heart and tell you that i love you..whisper sweetness in your ear.
I can say i smiled and spent the best days beside you.
I'll miss you again
I'll miss you hard
I'll miss you always
I'll miss you more and more
Every single day!
As each day closes and comes to an end I'll count the months and days till I can see you again..
The absence of you consumes all of my days..I can’t help but miss you in so many ways
Sometimes the sadness of not having you here Leaves me with doubt and followed by tears I know in my heart that the time passing will heal The ache and the doubt when I can hold you for real!

Now that you are leaving.. to realize your dreams, your true potential. This stupid girl will be waiting for you. Waiting.. with a head strong to be your strength, to make you push further to your dreams.
I might not get to see you as often as I'd like, I may not get to hold you in my arms at night, but deep in my heart I know that it's true. No matter what happens... I will always love you. I wish that I could hold you now... I wish that I could touch you now... I wish that I could talk to you... be with you somehow.
I am not weak to forgo. He says he doesn't believe in weak moments that can drift us apart, so do I. If you love someone more than anything, then distance only matters to the mind and not the heart.
Distance between our hearts will not be an obstacle... rather a beautiful reminder of just how strong true love can be. A lot of people walk in and out of my life, but... you're one of the only ones I ever really wanted to stick around. They say that distances make your strong.. I am so a believer of it.
I am too hopeful and adamant to make things work..Maybe he's doing the same thing as me... maybe he is missing me.. maybe he has still not learnt to iron his clothes and who is now doing it for him.. maybe he still has the same sweet tooth.. maybe he is still cribbing with the taxi driver for the increased fair.. may be he is still too clumsy to take a shower… may be he still cries like a baby when the water is cold.. maybe he still gives that stupid idiotic grin when he is a little high.. maybe he still crack those lame jokes that once made me go crazy..may be his stare still has the spark to make me skip a beat… .. then again, maybe I shouldn't fill myself with false hope that he might just be missing me like I'm missing him. I still will live on hopes.
I sit here and wonder if you understand just how much of me belongs to you.
Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I’ll stay up and think of you... and I wish on a star that somewhere you're thinking of me, too. After all the time that we would be apart…. After we have been through the test of times and the bond so strong.. that longing to see.. to feel the touch again…… I’ll dream of you coming up to me and say that it was worth the wait…. wanted me ……I'd say "yes!... It's about time what took you so damn long!" Missing you isn't the problem, it's wondering if you'll ever come back that's killing me.
I’ll miss the never ending nonsensical talks we used to have, I’ll miss the voice I used to hear... I’ll miss hearing your crazy but cool stories. I’ll miss all the little things. Like him caressing my hair with his fingers… the way he used to watch me sleep…the way we would break into a jig in the middle of the road just because I was this big nautanki… the way he used to make be cross the road like a child… holding my hand in those long chirpy walks late night…I’ll miss cooking for u and cribbing for u watching TV and not standing by my side. I’ll miss u not being there to put ur arms around my waist from behind and trouble me while I am working.. I’ll miss the time spent cozy with you when you were all around me, the the scent and the feel of you. And I’d fall asleep in your arms, with the sound of your heartbeat being the last thing I heard before going to sleep. I ache with longing. Above all these... I’ll just miss you!
I often catch myself constantly wondering how you are, sitting alone with my mind set so far, reminiscing about your smile, voice and touch, damn this life... I'm missing you too much!
I get this feeling we'll be together again. No straight lines make up my life, all roads have bends. Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing that I won’t have for a while. I've been laying here all night, listening to the rain. Talking to my heart and trying to explain. Why sometimes I catch myself wondering what might have been. Yes I do think about you, every now and then. In this weird twisted way, I know you will miss me too, not because I want to believe it's true, but because you'll never find a girl that can be with you like the way I do, love you the way I do. Just the thought of being with you tomorrow is enough to get me through today. It's YOU. You mean everything to me... you are the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up; my last thought before I go to bed. You smile at me in my dreams... when you are sad, I fell sad, and when I see your true smile, I feel incredible, like there is no other thing around and all I can see is you. The best feeling in the world is to be millions of miles away and still be able to picture his eyes.

With this I wish you luck.. for all the adventures, explorations, learning and achievements that are in store for you… I am not hopeful, I am sure that you will do wonders. Their will be a heavy heart here waiting anxiously for you. Heavy not for the tears but with those precious moments of joy that are awaiting to be relived again with you… JUST YOU!!!......
P.S: I LOVE YOU 

lazy dusk........

when i look above..cn c the starts shining so bright ..evn diamonds may feel shy.....covering me in there velvety blanket..looking at me from above.,,,,,telling my quizitive eyes that the one u r missing is missing u too.....n staring us hard to c u through....

“Does terror have a religion?”

My take on the aforementioned topic debated on NDTV’s big fight:

Oh no, not this now, don’t start debating on terror also now-categorically!! And what is the point of dragging religion into it anyway, I mean, wasn’t the futile ramps on making political issues on the name of religion enough that we are here debating to add a new asterisk to it in the name of terrorism!!
It’s said and believed, and when I say believed (be it be the fairy tale drama, or sheer-ignorance belief) I do believe, that fear is less when it does not have a face. It is a dark hole with void perhaps, but giving that fear a mask of religion would no longer terrorize, it creates havoc!!
Isn’t it huge enough already? The raging terrorism, destruction, hatred up surging everywhere that we now be so shallow to start debating on the percentage of Hindutva or the Muslim factor, to further trigger the fire.

Who are we? “pokers”!! , that instead of finding means and ways to curb the bloody attacker together we have to stand and comment, rather debate on him wearing an orange robe or a green one!!
Giving “terror” the “freedom” to:
Choose and kill,
Kill and choose
Or no bias: kill all !!
All the permutation & combinations fitting in so well, ironical isn’t it?


P.S: I couldn’t help being sarcastic, so no offends if any “green or orange” sentiments, I did hurt, as I am myself a little BLUE..
Go on people, host big fights (NDTV), or go on debating people, igniting minds and we here will sit and blog about you.
For me, terror is just a filthy fish’s poop in the shallow waters of world , no matter what country’s tailored product it may be.

Purple shorts

Make that purple shorts.

Summer and I don’t really gel well.
Summer hates me and I can’t stand summer!
If I could murder it, I would have done that long back. And the heat really affects my mood. I go mad, like berserk. Start snapping at people like a maniac and all that.
It’s 49.4 degrees in Jaipur. Omg!
What is wrong with the world!
I rather get dragged by camels there than bear the heat.

Oooh by the way, I’ve started meditating. Not proper meditating but it’s more like just sitting in silence for a while and having a completely blank mind. It’s quite a task for someone like me who always has something or the other going on inside. Does your mind hum? Mine does.
In those few minutes, I don’t give a shit to anything else. They can all wait.
With so much happening these days, I thought my poor lil’ head deserved a break. I know I’m sounding like this 50 year old right now but what to do yah!
Am I turning into some sadhu?
Not the ones in orange robes who go wandering off into the forests of course.
More like the ones who are allowed chicken.
And sex.
Aha!

Zach Braff is so adorable in Scrubs.
I want to adopt him :(

Oh and curly hair, I hate you.
Shooo!

Fiction- Little Moments of Joy!!!

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was a cowboy's life, a life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn't realize was that it was also a ministry. Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and weep.
But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick four-plex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partiers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.
Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked."Just a minute," answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened.
A small woman in her 80s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness."It's nothing," I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.""Oh, you're such a good boy," she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?""It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly."Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice."I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked. For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighbourhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair."How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse."Nothing," I said."You have to make a living," she answered."There are other passengers," I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient at the end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.



P.S - We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware--beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said ...but they will always remember how you made them feel. The same is what I felt after reading this one. Though fiction but so beautifully drafted that it gives a heart touching joy …that sense of satisfaction and bliss. Couldn’t help acknowledging this one and hence posted to share, a story by ~Barry Kingsley~

Water without Whiskey can give a kick >>>>>

Sitting in my office, sipping coffee......
(for all those who do not know, yeah even I have joined the league-caffine):P
so ya...sipping coffee and with work load pretty light today enjoying sitting idle and gazing out. Its raining hard, and the streets are empty, trees as if repainted green.
No alcohol can match up the high of the faint smell of wet mud in rains. I have this special fantasy for rains, getting drenched, tend to feel sexy you know :P

Though, I tried to remember the last time I played in the rain like that.
I realised, from the time I’ve turned into this obsessed-with-my-hair maniac, forget playing..I haven’t even walked properly in the rain minus any worries!

Fuck.this.shit.

It’s raining and to hell with everything else! I’m going to go there and break into a dance!

I love twirling umbrellas by the way.
I also do stunts. Umbrella stunts!!!! :P
And then the umbrella gets all weird and refuses to protect me from the rain.

Okay bye.
And today might be my last day at work...I mean if they see me acting like this berk serk maniac in the rain i don't think they"ll risk keeping me....
lol..
Fingers Crossed....


p.s- Finally feeling good, minus all the worries and expectations and feelings and blah blah blah..the ones that were never fulfilled.....RIP you all I am happy being me today.

Divine Ragaa

Dedicated to my friend ABC, as though with a thing that he came up with i got a chance to be a part of this great initiative. With my hand on my heart and eyes closed i truely abide by n fervour the step tht u hv taken and my salute to u for tht..

To ABC:

http://www.facebook.com/divineraaga

Bikhara hai sara jahan..na koi hai disha
Yaha pooche har koi.. kaun hai tera khuda?
“vo ‘ek’ hai…or ‘tu’ be ek hai"
“ekism”

Btr thn thousnd hollow wrds..is 1 wrd tht brings peace-”music”-tht hs the ‘DIVINE’ pwr 2 unite us al...it stands halfway b/w thought n phenomenon
Join us..join music..reflect the unity f soul
With wrld cup cmng ovr,alng wit cricket let music run in2 ur blood too.Spread the spirit f ekism..
http://www.youtube.com/divineraaga#p/a/u/1/w5-PH2kYU6A

p.s - btr than anything i wud need ur support here...for a noble cause....fite the evil in u , fyn the uniqueness in ur soul tht binds us all..........

I"ll say her.........well.....one day for sure!!!

I love her.
26 years, I tried to tell her, but never could.
In this time a lot happened – growing up, education, career, marriage and her husband’s death.
I tried till I got cancer 2 years ago!
......
....
..
.
.
.
.
Her funeral......
I’ll try now, again.After all, there is no better ghost in this graveyard than me.
........i killed time..........

p.s- m back to blogger again, n ya profusely appologise that i wudn't be able to continue my story here on blogger....have some other big plans for it..as hv written it completely n it has shaped out well. so, i wud gv it a diffrnt platform. i hope u"ll understand. @abc n kiko- shall mail u soon for editing. :)

Sneakers and stiletto’s…….

Episode one:

I still had an hour to check-in,...
and beaming with joy as I was in the excitement to go back home……. I ended up feeling hungry.
I had heard that the adrenalin hormone level shoot up in anxiety, or interestingly, just after 'sex' :P, but the hunger hormones shooting up cause of happiness..... as it was in my case, was a rare finding that scientists have not yet found out. And how can they possibly find out…. with such an interesting specimen in my form that they still havn’t been able to lay their hands upon.

Duh!! I shrugged at my so very lame thought, in fact an unnecessary demeaning thought....

Sometimes my brain’s neurotic inhibitions and the chemical locha goes so intense that I start coming out with these kinda unnecessary idiotic somethings…
Oh my god!!!…I started it again………..
Anyways, with the bombardments of thoughts on- me being that special specimen still going on… I proceeded towards Cafe Coffee Day…...

After I finished giving a sumptuous order of a big whole chicken salad sandwich and choco truffle and that wave of contentment flashing in and out of me of being able to satisfy my ‘hunger’ :P, as I turned…bang(used this word coz I didn’t know how to say –that I felt regret, shame, embaressment, love, joy, attractions and scintillations at the same time…..so….”bang”)

So, ya…………where was I ?……….


Ya………….bang!!!! and I felt all this coz I saw the most handsome mirror cracking sexy “commodity” kinda guy standing just besides me.

And he smiled….gossshhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..he smiled!!!!
I felt weak in my knees.

In a second, shutting up the butterflies in my stomach I felt quizitive…did he hear the elaborate order I just made?…. Fuck….
And with the troofle and sandwiches that he might have pictured me with…..blottring from my mouth, those butterflies meant all the more worth mentioning as now I potrayed that they belonged to a huge stomach. In my case –“butterflies in my stomach”…could now be rephrased for this moment as “butterflies in my huge, so very hungry troofle filled stomach”…..
Shit… cudn’t I wait..y was I hungry…what he might be thinking.

I was subconsciously though….was standing now as if trying to cover my non existing virtual flab…..
that I had just put on by just placing the order. I wanted to tell him….dude..actually we are two who’ll be having it….which wasn’t the case.

Shit….what m I up to…m I trying to hit on him…?????????I recalled my inner self……
N came the reply..girlie….trying????????? u R hitting on him…lyk a nonsense jerk…!!!
For once can this inner self of mine just mind its own business and shut up .. I didn’t need an answer. and y shudn’t I hit on him. He was cute…”and m trying to hide my grin in saying cute when evn u no wat I mean…:P

Dealing with this seemingly long but a minute made inner melodrama of mine, I came and sat just opposite to him.. far enough but keeping in mind to keep him in sight, trying every now and then to sneak a glance at him. His sipping coffee, those bread crumbs brusing and brushing his cute pout… After a couple of minutes I guessed he noticed me showering ‘some’ spcl attention on him, coz I noticed him glancing too.
What r u doing…..Riya…now shut the fuck up and don’t do it. My “self” tried to take a control over my naughty self now.
Oh!!...By the way..i forgot to introduce myself, I m Riya Talwar…. And for some secret reasons, highly secretive to the beholder too….”I love my surname”……in fact I would have loved it even more If it would have been “Riya chaaku ki dhaar”……lol……”chaaku ki dhaar” may be coz it says all about me.

Anyways……

I realised and tried to divert my attention in my so very hot truffle and my laptop. Eureka..i had an enlightenment …….no matter how many guilt pangs you get about the calories.....there is nothing more heavenly than hot chocolate melting in your mouth smoothening the taste buds…………..aaahhh!!!! lip smacking….
Not even a minute or two later, while I was enjoying taking in calories…..my chocolate journey to heaven was interrupted by a voice..all hoarse …”if you don’t mind can I sit here? That side is way too crowded and I m not able to concentrate on my book”……….i looked up…………
He was standing in front of me….
I froze for a second!!!

“If you don’t mind????????????"

If you don’t mind???????????????????????????????????

Are you crazy?? Jerk……why would I mind..m like this happiest soul on earth today…sit…quick….!!!

…………………..
…….
…
With all this in my mind I waved him a polite hand gesturing him to take a seat and smiled my best smile.
When I say “my best smile”…..it means that from the wardrobe full of smiles I have for every occasion, I took out my best dressed smile,,, the one I look grt in…..(grin)….confused???? I told u…...i m a specimen!!!!
Anyways….he sat rite in front of me, I felt conscious …n the butterflies kept coming back to me….

Hi m Nirbhik…he extended a hand………..
I paused…. A short one but I did…as if I forgot my own name…n felt a lump in my throat when I felt the firm hand shake….
I somehow managed to squeak out though….
Hello… m Riya…
“A lot can happen over coffee”…….CCD’s famous tagline was so much meaningful today……….
And after an initial turbulence though….. the conversation took a smooth tide..
Nirbhik was a software engineer working with IBM

Butterflies in my stomach....!!!! looking at u from a distance....

Looking at you from a distance,
Your hands inside your jeans pocket
With a bag-pack hanging loose behind.

I hide and settle down my hair,
Then I come out to find you smiling at me.
Your messy hair falls on your face,
And slowly you slide your hands around me!!

I've never had such a feeling,
Never felt as safe as when I am with you.
Just those three words from your mouth
Makes my heart melt...
Oh! I feel so warm and true

Those silly games we play with our fingers.
Those serious talks we have with our heads close,
Those idiotic little fights, that are so very clumsy though...
u pulling my leg....
ya..all that..
did u ever notice that????

did u ever notice the way I look at you?

have you ever noticed me blushing when you smile at me?

Have you ever noticed how quite I go when we're all alone?
Have you seen that shine in my eyes when you look at me?

Have you ever noticed how I always try to look good when you're there?
Have you ever seen how upset I get when you leave?

There are so many such feelings I have for you,
But how to express them, that I don't know!


...That
When I'm not with you
I feel so lost and incomplete.
Just want you to hold me close,
Just want to be with you......



p.s - work of fiction...so frnds , don't poke in me for details.....m very much normal...just honing my writing n imagination...lol
good night, peace....
I had a great weekend. :) :)

SHE.........This time through "HIS" eyes......

He couldn't focus. He couldn't move. All he could do was think about her, her perfect face, her bubbly spark that could make him smile in any situation. Her deep care for everyone whom she loved, and worst of all, he couldn't stop thinking about why had she left. He thought about every silly reason, and he asked everyone who was close to her, they wouldn't tell him, even though he knew they were troubled by it as well. He knew she was strong, and his aching heart, missing the touch of her compassion, the feel of her fingers when she touched him. Deep within him, he was wishing that she was doing okay, that she was still alive and well. That she would come back. But...

Wishes were not enough...

He thought back to the times they had spent together, with others and alone together. He thought to the times when he would lay in her lap and they would watch clouds together, or when they would walk together in the park with his dogs, Tiger and Scissors. Or, the time when she healed his knee after he had tripped, the concerned look on her face burning through his mind. It was so vivid that for a moment he thought she was there, and moved his hand to touch the spot she had healed him, feeling his blood throbbing under the skin. it was almost like her warm hand was between his hand and knee. This illusion was only a replay of his memories. And...

Memories were not enough...


His heart burned in his chest, a strong pain ran through his veins as he felt his eyes sting. 'No,' he thought, 'I won't let myself cry. That's not who I am. I have faith in her return. She will come back, I know it.' Tears were in his eyes, and it was against the strong view everyone had of him. He quickly shut his eyes tightly, as if it were going to prevent them from coming out, but he knew it was useless. He opened his eyes as he felt the warm liquid slide down his emotionless face. He pulled his knees into his chest, losing the want to act as if her absence didn't affect him, when, in fact, it hurt him most. He hoped with all of his dying heart that she was okay, that she wasn't facing the same pain as his heart pounded intensely in his chest. He hoped she missed him as much as he missed her, or that she at least remembered the love he had for her and how he would give his life just to see her one last time. But...

Hopes were not enough...


He sat on the top most branch of the tree, looking out towards the moon. He knew it was radiant, but the glow of its light would never shine as bright as she did in his eyes.His eyelids were heavy with sleep, and his eyes pained from crying, as he had been since that afternoon. But he wouldn't dare close them, because in the back of his mind, he knew that he would drift off to sleep, and all he would see is her, all he dream was of the past, of the future, of her. And...

Dreams were not enough...


He looked up at the clouds slowly drifting across the sky, and thought of their speed as his life without love, warmth, emotion, happiness, reason, life without her. He thought back to how he was before he met her. To the dark, detached look he had in his eyes. His distant thoughts that were stuck on ways to avoid the world, as the door of his classroom had opened that faithful day, and she had stepped in to the room, into his world. She sat next to him that day, and it was then that she told him of what she saw moments ago: His lifeless eyes had animated like a child when it gets a great surprise. He never forgot when he ran to the bathroom and peered cautiously into the mirror immediately after, astonished with what he saw. His usually dull eyes and pale face were lit up ever so slightly, and he didn't notice it at first, but realized that his cheeks weren't pasty, but faintly pink, as if...A BLUSH!?!

His emotionless look was gone. He couldn't look at her again, couldn't think about her without the fear of her, or anyone for that matter, seeing his emotions brimming over the top, and pouring onto his face. It was when he was running home, leaving her and the school, embarrassed of his actions, that she stopped him in the street, and pulled into the forest. 'Hey... Hello? Are you alive?' He remembers her quiet voice hinted concern as she waved her hand in front of his motionless body. His eyes were squared on her face, as she tried to pull him out of his daze. "Are you okay? Hello? Your face is turning all red... are you getting a fever? Are you going to attack me? Please don't, I'm going to end up hurting you a lot more than you might think.." The last sentence pulling him into the moment. He heard the plead in her voice, saw the worry in her eyes, and watched her step back, releasing the hold she had on his wrist. He was, for once, actually afraid of the threat, coming from her. She was only 11, and he was 13, and those words were full of concern, and as she noticed the fear in his eyes, he closed them, praying she wouldn't attack. And that was when he felt two thin arms wrap around his chest from behind. His eyes flew open and she was gone from her stance in front of him, but he knew she was behind him, and she leaned up to his ear and whispered gently...

Don't fear...

He leaned back against the trunk of the tree, watching the moon duck in and out of the silky deep lilac clouds that clearly contrasted the deep violet sky that peeped once in a while from the clouds. The hills were blue-grey in the distance, and on a cliff a little off to his right, a waterfall gleamed brilliantly. For a normal person, this view would have been enough, but to him, it meant nothing, because to him...

Only she was enough…….

p.s- my first post on “her”.through “his” eyes……pardon me with the gender switch….

Full fledged Crap.......!!!

Stop and stare.
I want to write something.
Anything.
And so I shall.
Write anything.
I always write 'anything'
But today I'll really write anything.
See? You see where this is going?
This is so meaningless.
Why am I even continuing?
But you're still reading. So good.
It's raining heavily outside. Bike ride. I want.

Yesterday was a total waste. Stuck in traffic for 2 hours. Bum aching. By the time I reached home, I was drenched. Muddy feet. Hair wet (:O). But I was absolutely fine. No throwing my moods around, whatsoever.
Some progress? :)
Hell yeah.

There's so much happening, in and around but I dont seem to be able to write it out. Writer's block?
Again?
How nice.

3 days since I last posted.
Missed me? hehe

I missed you, you ..you and you
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Days are going good :)
And I'm just watching them go by.
It's like my insides are screaming out to someone out there who's job is to throw shit at me ..they're like, try and move me baby, this feeling's not going anywhere ;)

Love happened...

pulkit, prek, trish, ishi , b@kra.... :( :( :(

I am in desperate need of someone to hold me.

I want my best friends around me now, without asking me questions. I need someone by my side to tell me it's going to be alright.
I hate giving explanations….. I need someone who reads my eyes and understands with out the need of any communication. I dont want to attend any phone calls or reply to any msgs. I really can make out which msg full of 'take care's is genuine and which one is not. I can make out which 'hug' is real and which one has been given only to stay in my good books. Why do you guys bother yourself so much?

I need someone to have faith in me, to tell me Taniya, I know you are the best girl in this world.
I desperately need somebody's trust in me…..someone's high expectations from me.
I need someone to tell me it is not too late you can still go back to where you where…. you can still be the girl people used to look upto. You can still get back to your old ways and means. I miss my school yaar…. I miss my teachers. I miss Zutshi mam who used to scold me when I used to score 98 on 100 in history…. I want that level of faith back. I miss pulkit, trish, prek, ishi, b@kra. I want you people around me yaar…… I want to feel alive again! Damn I miss prek n trishu so fucking much. I miss our bitching.. I miss pullu n b@kra’s non stop pulling my leg so muchso much!

The biggest regret I have right now is turning too extrovert with people. Wrong Wrong Wrong. Damn. Its all wrong. My conscious kept pinching me each time..why did I ignore all that!
I should have never opened up so much….... dnt u c.even i get hurt.......

I miss the old me. I felt good to be the innocent one..the decent one..the nerdy one…the crazy one….the sincere one..the focussed one. :(

Dont ping me on gmail/facebook/phone to ask me whats wrong. Jo hai upar likh diya aur kuch nahi bolne ko.
Now feeling lite.thnx blog……………