Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I"ll say her.........well.....one day for sure!!!



I love her.
26 years, I tried to tell her, but never could.
In this time a lot happened – growing up, education, career, marriage and her husband’s death.
I tried till I got cancer 2 years ago!
......
....
..
.
.
.
.
Her funeral......
I’ll try now, again.After all, there is no better ghost in this graveyard than me.
........i killed time..........





p.s- m back to blogger again, n ya profusely appologise that i wudn't be able to continue my story here on blogger....have some other big plans for it..as hv written it completely n it has shaped out well. so, i wud gv it a diffrnt platform. i hope u"ll understand. @abc n kiko- shall mail u soon for editing. :)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Sneakers and stiletto’s…….


Episode one:


I still had an hour to check-in,...
and beaming with joy as I was in the excitement to go back home……. I ended up feeling hungry.
I had heard that the adrenalin hormone level shoot up in anxiety, or interestingly, just after 'sex' :P, but the hunger hormones shooting up cause of happiness..... as it was in my case, was a rare finding that scientists have not yet found out. And how can they possibly find out…. with such an interesting specimen in my form that they still havn’t been able to lay their hands upon.



Duh!! I shrugged at my so very lame thought, in fact an unnecessary demeaning thought....

Sometimes my brain’s neurotic inhibitions and the chemical locha goes so intense that I start coming out with these kinda unnecessary idiotic somethings…
Oh my god!!!…I started it again………..
Anyways, with the bombardments of thoughts on- me being that special specimen still going on… I proceeded towards Cafe Coffee Day…...

After I finished giving a sumptuous order of a big whole chicken salad sandwich and choco truffle and that wave of contentment flashing in and out of me of being able to satisfy my ‘hunger’ :P, as I turned…bang(used this word coz I didn’t know how to say –that I felt regret, shame, embaressment, love, joy, attractions and scintillations at the same time…..so….”bang”)

So, ya…………where was I ?……….


Ya………….bang!!!! and I felt all this coz I saw the most handsome mirror cracking sexy “commodity” kinda guy standing just besides me.

And he smiled….gossshhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..he smiled!!!!
I felt weak in my knees.

In a second, shutting up the butterflies in my stomach I felt quizitive…did he hear the elaborate order I just made?…. Fuck….
And with the troofle and sandwiches that he might have pictured me with…..blottring from my mouth, those butterflies meant all the more worth mentioning as now I potrayed that they belonged to a huge stomach. In my case –“butterflies in my stomach”…could now be rephrased for this moment as “butterflies in my huge, so very hungry troofle filled stomach”…..
Shit… cudn’t I wait..y was I hungry…what he might be thinking.

I was subconsciously though….was standing now as if trying to cover my non existing virtual flab…..
that I had just put on by just placing the order. I wanted to tell him….dude..actually we are two who’ll be having it….which wasn’t the case.

Shit….what m I up to…m I trying to hit on him…?????????I recalled my inner self……
N came the reply..girlie….trying????????? u R hitting on him…lyk a nonsense jerk…!!!
For once can this inner self of mine just mind its own business and shut up .. I didn’t need an answer. and y shudn’t I hit on him. He was cute…”and m trying to hide my grin in saying cute when evn u no wat I mean…:P

Dealing with this seemingly long but a minute made inner melodrama of mine, I came and sat just opposite to him.. far enough but keeping in mind to keep him in sight, trying every now and then to sneak a glance at him. His sipping coffee, those bread crumbs brusing and brushing his cute pout… After a couple of minutes I guessed he noticed me showering ‘some’ spcl attention on him, coz I noticed him glancing too.
What r u doing…..Riya…now shut the fuck up and don’t do it. My “self” tried to take a control over my naughty self now.
Oh!!...By the way..i forgot to introduce myself, I m Riya Talwar…. And for some secret reasons, highly secretive to the beholder too….”I love my surname”……in fact I would have loved it even more If it would have been “Riya chaaku ki dhaar”……lol……”chaaku ki dhaar” may be coz it says all about me.

Anyways……

I realised and tried to divert my attention in my so very hot truffle and my laptop. Eureka..i had an enlightenment …….no matter how many guilt pangs you get about the calories.....there is nothing more heavenly than hot chocolate melting in your mouth smoothening the taste buds…………..aaahhh!!!! lip smacking….
Not even a minute or two later, while I was enjoying taking in calories…..my chocolate journey to heaven was interrupted by a voice..all hoarse …”if you don’t mind can I sit here? That side is way too crowded and I m not able to concentrate on my book”……….i looked up…………
He was standing in front of me….
I froze for a second!!!

“If you don’t mind????????????"

If you don’t mind???????????????????????????????????

Are you crazy?? Jerk……why would I mind..m like this happiest soul on earth today…sit…quick….!!!

…………………..
…….

With all this in my mind I waved him a polite hand gesturing him to take a seat and smiled my best smile.
When I say “my best smile”…..it means that from the wardrobe full of smiles I have for every occasion, I took out my best dressed smile,,, the one I look grt in…..(grin)….confused???? I told u…...i m a specimen!!!!
Anyways….he sat rite in front of me, I felt conscious …n the butterflies kept coming back to me….

Hi m Nirbhik…he extended a hand………..
I paused…. A short one but I did…as if I forgot my own name…n felt a lump in my throat when I felt the firm hand shake….
I somehow managed to squeak out though….
Hello… m Riya…
“A lot can happen over coffee”…….CCD’s famous tagline was so much meaningful today……….
And after an initial turbulence though….. the conversation took a smooth tide..
Nirbhik was a software engineer working with IBM



Saturday, October 16, 2010

Butterflies in my stomach....!!!! looking at u from a distance....


Looking at you from a distance,
Your hands inside your jeans pocket
With a bag-pack hanging loose behind.

I hide and settle down my hair,
Then I come out to find you smiling at me.
Your messy hair falls on your face,
And slowly you slide your hands around me!!

I've never had such a feeling,
Never felt as safe as when I am with you.
Just those three words from your mouth
Makes my heart melt...
Oh! I feel so warm and true

Those silly games we play with our fingers.
Those serious talks we have with our heads close,
Those idiotic little fights, that are so very clumsy though...
u pulling my leg....
ya..all that..
did u ever notice that????

did u ever notice the way I look at you?

have you ever noticed me blushing when you smile at me?

Have you ever noticed how quite I go when we're all alone?
Have you seen that shine in my eyes when you look at me?

Have you ever noticed how I always try to look good when you're there?
Have you ever seen how upset I get when you leave?

There are so many such feelings I have for you,
But how to express them, that I don't know!


...That
When I'm not with you
I feel so lost and incomplete.
Just want you to hold me close,
Just want to be with you......



p.s - work of fiction...so frnds , don't poke in me for details.....m very much normal...just honing my writing n imagination...lol
good night, peace....
I had a great weekend. :) :)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

SHE.........This time through "HIS" eyes......


He couldn't focus. He couldn't move. All he could do was think about her, her perfect face, her bubbly spark that could make him smile in any situation. Her deep care for everyone whom she loved, and worst of all, he couldn't stop thinking about why had she left. He thought about every silly reason, and he asked everyone who was close to her, they wouldn't tell him, even though he knew they were troubled by it as well. He knew she was strong, and his aching heart, missing the touch of her compassion, the feel of her fingers when she touched him. Deep within him, he was wishing that she was doing okay, that she was still alive and well. That she would come back. But...

Wishes were not enough...

He thought back to the times they had spent together, with others and alone together. He thought to the times when he would lay in her lap and they would watch clouds together, or when they would walk together in the park with his dogs, Tiger and Scissors. Or, the time when she healed his knee after he had tripped, the concerned look on her face burning through his mind. It was so vivid that for a moment he thought she was there, and moved his hand to touch the spot she had healed him, feeling his blood throbbing under the skin. it was almost like her warm hand was between his hand and knee. This illusion was only a replay of his memories. And...

Memories were not enough...


His heart burned in his chest, a strong pain ran through his veins as he felt his eyes sting. 'No,' he thought, 'I won't let myself cry. That's not who I am. I have faith in her return. She will come back, I know it.' Tears were in his eyes, and it was against the strong view everyone had of him. He quickly shut his eyes tightly, as if it were going to prevent them from coming out, but he knew it was useless. He opened his eyes as he felt the warm liquid slide down his emotionless face. He pulled his knees into his chest, losing the want to act as if her absence didn't affect him, when, in fact, it hurt him most. He hoped with all of his dying heart that she was okay, that she wasn't facing the same pain as his heart pounded intensely in his chest. He hoped she missed him as much as he missed her, or that she at least remembered the love he had for her and how he would give his life just to see her one last time. But...

Hopes were not enough...


He sat on the top most branch of the tree, looking out towards the moon. He knew it was radiant, but the glow of its light would never shine as bright as she did in his eyes.His eyelids were heavy with sleep, and his eyes pained from crying, as he had been since that afternoon. But he wouldn't dare close them, because in the back of his mind, he knew that he would drift off to sleep, and all he would see is her, all he dream was of the past, of the future, of her. And...

Dreams were not enough...


He looked up at the clouds slowly drifting across the sky, and thought of their speed as his life without love, warmth, emotion, happiness, reason, life without her. He thought back to how he was before he met her. To the dark, detached look he had in his eyes. His distant thoughts that were stuck on ways to avoid the world, as the door of his classroom had opened that faithful day, and she had stepped in to the room, into his world. She sat next to him that day, and it was then that she told him of what she saw moments ago: His lifeless eyes had animated like a child when it gets a great surprise. He never forgot when he ran to the bathroom and peered cautiously into the mirror immediately after, astonished with what he saw. His usually dull eyes and pale face were lit up ever so slightly, and he didn't notice it at first, but realized that his cheeks weren't pasty, but faintly pink, as if...A BLUSH!?!

His emotionless look was gone. He couldn't look at her again, couldn't think about her without the fear of her, or anyone for that matter, seeing his emotions brimming over the top, and pouring onto his face. It was when he was running home, leaving her and the school, embarrassed of his actions, that she stopped him in the street, and pulled into the forest. 'Hey... Hello? Are you alive?' He remembers her quiet voice hinted concern as she waved her hand in front of his motionless body. His eyes were squared on her face, as she tried to pull him out of his daze. "Are you okay? Hello? Your face is turning all red... are you getting a fever? Are you going to attack me? Please don't, I'm going to end up hurting you a lot more than you might think.." The last sentence pulling him into the moment. He heard the plead in her voice, saw the worry in her eyes, and watched her step back, releasing the hold she had on his wrist. He was, for once, actually afraid of the threat, coming from her. She was only 11, and he was 13, and those words were full of concern, and as she noticed the fear in his eyes, he closed them, praying she wouldn't attack. And that was when he felt two thin arms wrap around his chest from behind. His eyes flew open and she was gone from her stance in front of him, but he knew she was behind him, and she leaned up to his ear and whispered gently...

Don't fear...

He leaned back against the trunk of the tree, watching the moon duck in and out of the silky deep lilac clouds that clearly contrasted the deep violet sky that peeped once in a while from the clouds. The hills were blue-grey in the distance, and on a cliff a little off to his right, a waterfall gleamed brilliantly. For a normal person, this view would have been enough, but to him, it meant nothing, because to him...

Only she was enough…….




p.s- my first post on “her”.through “his” eyes……pardon me with the gender switch….

Full fledged Crap.......!!!

Stop and stare.
I want to write something.
Anything.
And so I shall.
Write anything.
I always write 'anything'
But today I'll really write anything.
See? You see where this is going?
This is so meaningless.
Why am I even continuing?
But you're still reading. So good.
It's raining heavily outside. Bike ride. I want.

Yesterday was a total waste. Stuck in traffic for 2 hours. Bum aching. By the time I reached home, I was drenched. Muddy feet. Hair wet (:O). But I was absolutely fine. No throwing my moods around, whatsoever.
Some progress? :)
Hell yeah.

There's so much happening, in and around but I dont seem to be able to write it out. Writer's block?
Again?
How nice.

3 days since I last posted.
Missed me? hehe


I missed you, you ..you and you
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Days are going good :)
And I'm just watching them go by.
It's like my insides are screaming out to someone out there who's job is to throw shit at me ..they're like, try and move me baby, this feeling's not going anywhere ;)

Love happened...

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

pulkit, prek, trish, ishi , b@kra.... :( :( :(

I am in desperate need of someone to hold me.

I want my best friends around me now, without asking me questions. I need someone by my side to tell me it's going to be alright.
I hate giving explanations….. I need someone who reads my eyes and understands with out the need of any communication. I dont want to attend any phone calls or reply to any msgs. I really can make out which msg full of 'take care's is genuine and which one is not. I can make out which 'hug' is real and which one has been given only to stay in my good books. Why do you guys bother yourself so much?

I need someone to have faith in me, to tell me Taniya, I know you are the best girl in this world.
I desperately need somebody's trust in me…..someone's high expectations from me.
I need someone to tell me it is not too late you can still go back to where you where…. you can still be the girl people used to look upto. You can still get back to your old ways and means. I miss my school yaar…. I miss my teachers. I miss Zutshi mam who used to scold me when I used to score 98 on 100 in history…. I want that level of faith back. I miss pulkit, trish, prek, ishi, b@kra. I want you people around me yaar…… I want to feel alive again! Damn I miss prek n trishu so fucking much. I miss our bitching.. I miss pullu n b@kra’s non stop pulling my leg so muchso much!

The biggest regret I have right now is turning too extrovert with people. Wrong Wrong Wrong. Damn. Its all wrong. My conscious kept pinching me each time..why did I ignore all that!
I should have never opened up so much….... dnt u c.even i get hurt.......

I miss the old me. I felt good to be the innocent one..the decent one..the nerdy one…the crazy one….the sincere one..the focussed one. :(

Dont ping me on gmail/facebook/phone to ask me whats wrong. Jo hai upar likh diya aur kuch nahi bolne ko.
Now feeling lite.thnx blog……………

Being 21.......Happy birthday to me..


hiii...m 21 ...
dedicating one day on my place for me.....
10 things i know today:

1. I love love love that the sun has been out since the last two days...n i m basking in it again....
2. I still think that , xyz guy is damn cute.....(cn't name the person here.lol)
3. I m self obsessed and just love taking my pictures....
4. Initially i ws sad for leaving my hometown and coming here but with the warmth that i m adorning here...I feel i am blessed...with exam the next dy too they made me feel so spcl about my spcl day.
5. just got a mail.exams postponed..yuppppiiieeeeeeeeeee...............babaji tussi grtt ho...hun main aish karangi...blog u r so lucky...
6.Money wooshes in and out of my wallet too quickly
7. I like my hair long but when its hot i wish they were short.
8. choc. is still one of my fav. things to eat.
9. being 21 is super cool.i feel sexier all the more.lol
10. And got this lovely dedication of this poem for my birthday in the middle of
night.... kudos to u dear... love ya for the poem... one of the best wishes i got yesterday. :)
here it goes..
"Happy Birthday, Special Treasure

God gave a gift to the world when you were born—
a person who loves, who cares,
who sees a person’s need and fills it,
who encourages and lifts people up,
who spends energy on others
rather than herself,
someone who touches each life she enters,
and makes a difference in the world,
because ripples of kindness flow outward
as each person you have touched, touches others.
Your birthday deserves to be a national holiday,
because you are a special treasure
for all that you’ve done.
May the love you have shown to others
return to you, multiplied.
I wish you the happiest of birthdays,
and many, many more,
so that others have time to appreciate you
as much as I do."

p.s- i have this super cool feeling... flaunting my new Puma bag that ws a total surprise... thnx a lot for the gyft frnds. love ya too......n ya. m lvng the feeling of adorning the crown of "21"..... tht sounds so so so very cool...........

Monday, September 6, 2010

Singing my tunes.....from Dawn to Dusk!!!



I want to Set my own tunes and sway to my own melodies....

I want to dance my OWN dance;
Dance the whole night through…..
Until dawn!!
Watch the sun…saying….. “present taniya(rowdy)”….
Announcing the beginning of a new day….

Rejoicing in the mystery of it...
I want to grab a hold of life,
Make a handle to it…
As if it were a tree
In full bloom;

Shake it a bit,
Letting the blossoms
Fall upon my head;
Feeling their silkiness
Caress my face.

Feel the earth beneath, My bare feet…..
swoosh in and out like the free form waves
The undulating mountains of ups and downs that life
Presents;
the adventures, the
Sorrows, the joys…….
ALL OF IT
I want to embrace it all.
I want to live my life with no regrets
Leaving no stone unturned.
Yes, I want to sing my own tunes,
With a heart full of joy

Experience the woods ablaze with
The mosaic of the reds and the golds of Autumn,
And the breath-taking serenity of the dusky sun......Slipping below the horizon.
I want to bask in the afterglow
Until the last sigh….!!!!!!


p.s- clicked the above picture of mine.....purposely for bright dawn and shady dusk.......let me know hows it?